Setting Boundaries for Joy: Finding Gratitude & Glimmers This Holiday Season

We are all about encouraging boundaries in relationships because they foster healthy connections and improve self-esteem and self-compassion. But here's what we're learning about boundaries and mental health: when we protect our time and energy through healthy limits, we create the capacity to actually notice the good moments—what trauma therapist Deb Dana calls "glimmers."

These small moments of warmth, connection, and joy are everywhere during the holidays, but we can only see them when our nervous system isn't overwhelmed.

Setting healthy boundaries is especially challenging during the holiday season. Time seems to be more scarce than usual, and social obligations increase to the max. During this season, when family is supposed to be a priority, it's easy for things to get out of whack, and then all of a sudden, you feel less connected to the loved ones that matter most. The irony? We often miss the very experiences we're rushing around trying to create.

Genuine gratitude isn't found in doing everything—it emerges when we're present enough to notice what matters.

"Remember everything you do leaves an impression upon me, it becomes a part of me." - MacKenzie Hamilton

Your Immediate Family Must Be Priority Number One

With any marriage or partnership, families join together. This can be joyous or torture—it is what you make it, right? So make it great. Set your limits. Set your expectations. Set your boundaries. Boundaries for your own well-being, not to control others. Make you, your partner, and your children the priority and do what's right for you.

When you set clear boundaries, something remarkable happens: you create space for genuine gratitude. Instead of feeling obligated to attend every gathering, you get to choose the ones that truly matter. Don't attend parties that are going to go too late for your small children, or make sure to leave so that you can be home close to bedtime, if that means keeping the peace in your household. Bring food your kids will eat if they are picky eaters, bring snacks if the adults in your life eat at 8:00 P.M., and your kids are used to eating at 5:00 P.M.

Set a limit of one evening obligation per week during the holiday season if it will take you away from your own family. Fight the urge to "do everything" no matter the social pressure—your choice in responding to it is what counts. When your nervous system isn't in overdrive from overscheduling, you can actually notice the glimmers: your child's face lighting up at the holiday decorations, the warmth of your partner's hand in yours, the quiet moment of peace after everyone's in bed.

Shame can easily creep up during the holiday season. Remembering to have empathy and self-compassion for yourself and the stress will make time with your family more enjoyable. Everyone will be grateful for you setting boundaries and putting you and your family first—and you'll find yourself feeling genuinely grateful too, not just going through the motions of gratitude.

"You weren't meant to do it alone. Humans are hardwired for connection." - Brené Brown

Blended Families: Quality Over Quantity

In this day and age, blended families are common and can be one of the most significant stressors during this time of year. There is pressure to see and spend time with everyone, but what ends up happening is that people are so overbooked that you aren't able to connect and have meaningful visits with those you hold dear. You are so busy preparing and thinking about your next obligation that you aren't able to enjoy the present one.

Here's the mental health truth: when we're overwhelmed, our nervous system goes into stress mode, and we literally cannot access the parts of our brain that feel gratitude and connection. Setting limits and boundaries on who you spend your time with makes the visits you do have meaningful. You have more of yourself to give because you can be fully present and in the moment.

Being present brings joy to the moment. It allows you to notice the glimmers—the way your niece laughs at your jokes, the smell of your grandmother's kitchen, the shared look of understanding with your co-parent. These are the moments that create genuine gratitude, the kind you feel in your body, not the obligatory kind you post on social media.

"Sometimes, I just need to take a break from the world." - Brady Hamilton

Say No to Say Yes to What Matters

The holidays usually bring more family functions. They also often come with work parties and more friend gatherings. It's easy to become overbooked. Be mindful of what you say yes to. Make sure it's a priority for you. If not, politely decline. When setting boundaries, remember that clear is kind. Be clear about what you want. When you RSVP "maybe" to a party and then fail to update your hosts, you are sending mixed signals.

Setting boundaries is hard, especially with those you care about! Expect resistance but don't let it deter you. Most people are feeling the stress of the hustle and bustle this time of year and can understand when you say no. If they don't respect your limits, that can be a sign of an unhealthy relationship, and it's best that you address that at a later date instead.

Every "no" to something draining creates space for a "yes" to something nourishing. This is how we protect our mental health during the holidays—by choosing intentionally rather than responding reactively. And when we do that, we create room for true gratitude to emerge, not the exhausted, obligatory kind.

"Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others." - Brené Brown

Take Care of You First (So You Can Notice the Good)

When we, as parents, are feeling stressed and overwhelmed, guess who else feels it? Yep. Our kids. Even the littlest member of your family knows when you are stressed to the max. So take care of you first. Do whatever you need to in order to protect your time and energy so that you have enough to give to those most important to you.

The holidays are busy, there is just no getting around that. Protect time for you, protect time for you and your partner, and protect time for your kids. Make a deal with your kids that the television stays off after dinner, but you will all sit down for a quick family game before bedtime each night. Candyland takes about as much time as an episode of Paw Patrol and very little brain power—but it has big results.

These are the memories your children will hold on to long-term. Children remember the time they had with you more than they remember the episodes they watched. Enjoying the advent calendar (lego, candy, etc.) or other family traditions in the fun lights and atmosphere of the holiday creates memories and stories for your future conversations. Playing as a family creates connection and increases joy. This is where the glimmers live—in these small, intentional moments together. This is where genuine gratitude grows.

Your mental health directly impacts your family's well-being. When you're regulated, they're regulated. When you can notice the glimmers, they learn to notice them too. This is what the holiday season is really about.

"Connections bring moments, moments bring memories, memories bring traditions." - Cary Hamilton

Remember: You're in Charge

It's no secret that kids need structure, limits, and boundaries. Then come the holidays, where we stretch bedtime, drive long distances to see loved ones, increase sugar intake x 10, and give them a two-week break from their regular routines. Of course, they will have a difficult time living up to our expectations of their behavior!

Remember who is in charge. Children (even teenagers!) don't get to plan out their family holiday plans, the adults do. You are in charge of how busy your children and your family get. So if you are someone who has to do it all, remember that your children can't. Set those limits and boundaries. If not for yourself, do it for your children and your family.

Doing less is more during this time of year. When we slow down, we can actually feel grateful rather than perform gratitude. We can notice the glimmers—the small moments of connection and joy that make the season meaningful. Our children's nervous systems can regulate. Our own mental health improves. We create space for what the holidays are supposed to be about: genuine connection, real presence, and deep gratitude for the people we love.

Remember that setting boundaries is not a short-term goal; it is a long-term process. The holidays can be a wonderful time of year to practice setting boundaries. Chances are you will start off the new year feeling more refreshed, more present, and more fully engaged in the moment—with a mental health bank account that's fuller, not depleted. To do your work, download this document to support your reflection.